Buying Mascara

The week after Gracie went to heaven, I threw out all of my mascara.  I don’t really wear much make-up at all but mascara used to be a staple, a part of my morning routine.  I figured after I stopped being so emotional all of the time I’d buy it again someday.  Now, here were are, over two years later….and still no mascara.  You see…it’s difficult because there are triggers everywhere.  I miss my sweet baby every second still of every day and I never know when something inside me will hit hard enough to make the tears well up.  Maybe it’s when I see a little blonde girl who is her age or when a stranger asks if I have children.  You just never know what will ignite the emotions and pain that never ever go away.  Gracie would have been two and a half this month.  I can’t help thinking she would have already gotten into mommy’s makeup!  So…hopefully now you understand why I had to get rid of that mascara.  I really never even missed it, until last week…

Lately, I have been crazy for couponing.  After going to a class last July, I started to slowly become addicted to getting good deals and saving money.  Last week, low and behold I stumbled on a great deal on mascara.  Looking at those bright pink packages, I began an internal conflict.  First I stared at the mascara for a good five minutes, then I put two in my cart, and then I put them back.  I went on with my shopping around the store and had a short conversation with a couple of coupon friends who were also shopping.  They went on with their purchases and left the store.  I got in line and then at that moment I realized that although the moments of emotional turmoil still exist,  they are happening much less often.  I tried to think of the last time I had cried in public or in front of a stranger and I couldn’t recall an episode.  Right then and there I felt like I needed that mascara.  My cart turned around and made a beeline for the makeup wall.  When I got home Brien said “Oh cool, you can get good deals on make-up too?  That’s great, babe!”  I smiled and said, “Yeah, I needed some mascara.”  I needed it more than he knew. 

I’ve been thinking this week that it’s not about the mascara…it’s really about the enjoyment that I’ve gotten from this new hobby of couponing.  I can’t think of anything that I have really loved doing that much since Gracie left us.  Most days, it’s still a struggle just to get out of bed.  Luckily, I do enjoy my work so that helps.  But on the weekends, things are often more difficult because we can’t do things together as a family anymore and sometimes I really don’t feel like doing anything other than sitting on the couch, eating chips, and missing my girl.  Nowadays though, I get up very early on Saturday and Sunday to shop with my coupons and there is something extremely calming and serene about shopping in those early mornings hours.  No matter how late I’ve stayed up the night before I’m motivated to get up, be productive, and best of all have some fun.   Along the way, I’ve met some fabulous and generous people as well, and although they don’t know it… it is party because of them that I had the confidence to get that mascara.  So here’s to the next great deal….and the next aisle in the store we call life!

Forever Family

Forever: for a limitless time or at all times.  During this week of Gracie’s 2^nd birthday, I’ve been thinking a lot about this word.  I’ve seen it this week in several different places and can’t help thinking there is a reason why the word is on my mind.  Grace will forever live in our hearts, our minds, and our memories.  She will always be there, as long as we continue to keep her memory alive, she will always be a part of our forever family.

Although we are truly a family in spirit, the sad reality is that for over a year now, Brien and I have had to adjust back to just being a “couple” in many ways.  We still do many of the same things we did as a family, and we continually talk and remember how different these same things were when Grace was here.  We still walk the dog but now without a stroller.  We still wake up early, but now only feed the dog instead of feeding and snuggling with Gracie.  We still cook dinners and eat together most every night but dearly miss bathing and dressing Grace in her PJs.  The hole in our lives will be there…..forever.

For a while now we have been discussing how much we both miss being a family and caring for Gracie.  We still don’t have any results yet from the Manton Study yet, so we have to consider a 1 in 4 chance of having another child with EMEE if we decided to get pregnant again.  Not to mention we are not getting any younger…. The big 40 is right around the corner for me!  We just felt so helpless with Gracie’s condition, we really had no control over that awful disease and couldn’t bear seeing another child go through the same thing. 

So, last month we started discussing the idea of adoption.  For us, it may be a chance to help a child have a better life and also would give us that family again.  Brien was hesitant but gave me the green light to start researching the process, so I went forward full force.  I learned about all the different types of adoption and for us, we know that adoption from the foster system is really the best route to pursue.  I have been attending many orientations with various agencies around town, trying to determine which one would work best for us.  After attending a few orientations, I was really starting to think that there wasn’t much difference between them and wasn’t really impressed with any of the agencies. 

Then, this week, I happened upon Sierra Forever Families.  The leader at the orientation was very open and honest and presented us with some great information.  She talked a lot about programs for adoption of older, school aged children, and that just the type of child we feel would fit best with our family.  In addition, this organization really does a lot more than just adoption.  What struck me was all of the wonderful things they do to really help local children.  Their goal is to not only find children forever homes but also to help all children in the foster system in other ways a well such as volunteer and mentoring programs.  I can’t explain exactly why but I just really felt a connection with this agency.  Although I have a few more orientations to attend later this month, I can’t help thinking that maybe there was a reason I came upon Sierra Forever Families during Gracie’s birthday week.  Maybe it’s a sign that this is the right fit for us and adoption is the right thing to do. 

My friend, Alli and her husband just adopted twin school aged girls who are in this photo.  Their adoption was finalized at the end of June and yesterday we got a beautiful photo card in the mail from them announcing the adoption.  It was so awesome to see such a great success story.  It was a long rollercoaster ride for them, but in the end they ended up with the girls that were meant to be with them.  On the back of the card was a picture of all of them with the words “forever family.”  Although we are just researching the process right now, last night I couldn’t help thinking that maybe this was another sign and, perhaps, we were also meant to expand our forever family though adoption.  

Bodie's Birthday

Today is Bodie's 4th birthday. I can't help but associate his birthday with Grace's as she was born 2-weeks later. She would have been 2 this year.

I remember taking this picture (left) shortly after Grace was born. I came home to get some more clothes and check on him. I decided to bring home one of Grace's blankets so he could get familiar with her scent.

From the very beginning Bodie was always very gentle with her. He would sniff her, but that was about it. I think he knew she was very young and fragile. Perhaps dogs have a sick sense about such things.

We used to like to lay Gracie down on her play mat in the living room. Many times Bodie would come over and sniff her feet or hands and then lie down next to her. We were worried at first he would want to play with her but he never did.

The morning Grace passed away Holly and I were kneeling next to her crib, Bodie was right there between us with his nose buried in between the slates of the crib. It was the last time we were all a family.

After she passed it was Bodie who helped us through those oh so painful weeks and months. He let us hold him tightly and shower him with tears. You could tell he knew we were in great pain yet he continued to always be there for us. Without a doubt, Bodie was our saving Grace during our darkest times.

Here's to many more years of companionship and joy, we love you Bodie!