Sunday, October 23, 2011
There hasn't been a moment that's gone by we don't miss her. She meant the world to us and her loss has hurt us deeply. I wish I could say it's gotten easier but it hasn't. Losing a child is simply too great a pain to get over. So we learn to live with our pain and go about our lives surrounding ourselves with memories of her.
Today, we're going to visit her gravesite like we do every weekend. We will be releasing balloons with hand written notes to her attached. Perhaps the winds of God will carry our messages to her. We want her to know how much we still love her and miss her.
Saturday, October 22, 2011
So, this week I did so, and once again, tried to go through the story with the Kaiser representative without anger in my voice and trying not to completely break down. The person on the phone told me they would escalate the claim and we would receive an answer in two weeks, just like last time. I hung up the phone hopeful that maybe they would reverse the charges. Within a few hours I received a phone call from that nice lady Lori, who I spoke with months ago about the ambulance bill. Again, I had to explain the whole story, and luckily, she indeed remembered me from before. She genuinely apologized to me and told me she was going to expedite the claim to help out as much as she could. I can only hope that was her own angel deed for the day. I don’t know Lori but I am sure thankful that she handled the situation with compassion and grace.
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Today, Holly and I placed pink and blue ribbons on all the grave sites in the Garden of Angels. We wanted to show our support and to let others know that October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. It's something we recently learned about and felt compelled to help spread the word.
So tonight at 7:00 pm, we invite you to light a candle for one hour in memory of Grace and all the other babies who left us far too soon in life. Thank you.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
I will never forget that terrifying day Our first call to 911 when I found her not breathing. It has forever changed me and is the root of so much anxiety when I think about the last 2-weeks of her life. Not to mention those early mornings when I was awoken by Holly screaming "she's not breathing, she's not breathing!" I would fly out of bed like it was on fire and run into the nursery to start resuscitating her. Such horrible and painful memories. Events that no parent should ever have to face.
I know the next 10-days are going to be very difficult for us. There are so many memories both good and bad. One of the best memories we have took place two days before she passed away.
|Our last bath together|
When Stephanie arrived Grace was just glowing. You could see it in her eyes and the smile on her face. Perhaps it was Stephanie's trademark big earrings or neckless that garnered Grace's interest, either way she was clearly enjoying being held by a new friend. Holly told me last week she thought that was the last happy time for Grace.
Sadly, what started out as a happy evening ended with a living room full of paramedics attending to Grace. A few minutes after we all sat down to dinner Holly saw that Grace had stopped breathing again. I was having a hard time resuscitating her so Holly called 911. Grace never fully recovered after that night. For the next two days it was about care and comfort for her. There was very little we could do for her at that point. This was the beginning of the end and the worst time of our lives. To this day it is a vivid nightmare I can't shake.
Holly and I never left Grace's side for the next two days. Our friends and neighbors fed us and took care of us during this time so we could be by Grace's bedside. We slept on the floor in her room and talked to her endlessly. We must have told her how sorry we were and how much we loved her a million times. I fondly remember kissing her head and feeling her soft silky hair on my nose and smelling her innocence.
Last week Holly wrote a blog entry about Grace's Angle Day. And quite honestly, that's the only thing keeping me together right now. If it wasn't for that different approach to dealing with her death I don't think I could do it. The anxiety would be eating me up. But somehow thinking of the day she died as the birth of an angel is making it tolerable. I know the next 10-days are going to be tough for Holly and I. But we have each other and we'll make it through this difficult time together.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Shortly after Grace passed away, a friend put me in touch with another local mother who had lost an infant daughter. One of the things she told me was that each year, on the day that their baby passed, they light a candle in honor of her and call that day her “angel day.” That term has stuck in my mind, and I think it’s very sweet. Rather than calling it a “death anniversary” or “anniversary of passing”, the term “angel day,” is much more uplifting. All babies are precious little angels sent to us from heaven. I don’t know why some have to return to heaven early, it just doesn’t seem right.
Brien and I have been discussing what to do when Grace’s angel day arrives on Oct. 23rd. We had planned to start her butterfly garden, however it now seems that spring would be a more practical time for that. We also thought about having a gathering of friends, however we are very hesitant to plan that, as we just don’t know exactly how we will feel on that day. What we know for sure is that Brien and I will definitely spend the day together, visit Grace, and include a special gift for her. She will forever be our angel.
Today I was shopping at Kohl’s and wandered into their Christmas section to look for angels. We wanted to find a special one for her day. As I was looking around at all the ornaments and figurines, I found these blocks with angels on them that spelled the word Grace. Next to the blocks was also a beautiful snow globe with an angel and her name on it as well. Of course, I had to buy them even though Christmas is still some time away. The discovery of the angels got me thinking….maybe I should think about angels all year round and how they are always among us. Grace gave me an idea.
I’ve decided that October will be Grace’s angel month. I think she deserves more than one day of commemoration. The enormous life lessons she has taught me I will hope to carry with me always. For the remainder of the month, and the days leading up to her angel day, I will try and complete one angel deed per day. It may be something simple like taking out the trash (which is usually Brien’s job) or calling up an old friend, or it may be something requiring more thought and preparation. Today, I thought of a friend and bought her a small gift. Who knows what tomorrow’s angel deed will be? I hope that others will join me in some small angel deeds during October, and think fondly of our angel lessons.