The Road Back to Motherhood

I know…I know I AM a mom…I am Gracie’s mom and I always will have that joy.  However, on this Mother’s day I do long for the days when I was actively taking care of my little girl.  No one can really know how I feel, that is no one but Sadie.  My dear friend also lost her little angel to the same dreadful disorder that Grace had.  Our stories are so similar and the resemblance is highly uncanny. 

Sadie and Eva

Grace was born in July 2010 and Eva in August 2010.  They both left this Earth entirely too soon.  At the time, little did we know that we were both going through the same types of struggles.  Sometime after Grace passed, Sadie found our blog and emailed us.  For that, I am eternally grateful to her.  Through Sadie we discovered the Manton Center for Orphan Diseases in Boston.  Eva’s DNA was already enrolled in the study and later we were able to get Grace’s DNA enrolled in the same study.  Right now the researchers are working on comparing Grace and Eva’s DNA samples and we are hopeful that with our girls working together we just might find some answers.  In the meantime, Sadie and I have both taken on the road to motherhood once again.  Although this time our stories are much different, I am hopeful that we will continue together down a similar road.  You see, Sadie is the type of gal you can just call up anytime and she’s there for you.  She’s ready to stop by and have coffee or a glass of wine with you.  I only wish the distance in miles didn’t keep us apart. 

Sadie is pregnant again and due in July.  Recently she told me, “It’s scary when you feel yourself falling in love again knowing what could happen but it’s impossible not to love.  I mean that’s why we learned to breathe again after our girls passed, isn’t it?  It’s because our love is so strong for them.”  Those words took my breath away.  Sadie is savoring every moment of her pregnancy and enjoying every day she has with her little boy.  The both of us know all too well that everything can change in an instant, and we have to be grateful for what we have today….in this moment.  I feel in my heart that Sadie is meant to be a mom again and every day that passes I grow more and more excited for her, knowing that she will soon be enjoying her new baby boy! 

Holly and Grace

For Brien and I, we hope that taking the road to adoption will lead us to the family that we so desire which includes another child.  Right now though, I am thankful for the family we have in the moment.  We have been blessed to have Brien’s daughter Brendle move in with us recently.  She is not a child anymore, and we have been amazed to see what a responsible and intelligent young woman she has become.  I love her just as my own child and am proud to be her step-mom!

Happy Mother’s Day to all and, may your day be filled with Grace!

Buying Mascara

The week after Gracie went to heaven, I threw out all of my mascara.  I don’t really wear much make-up at all but mascara used to be a staple, a part of my morning routine.  I figured after I stopped being so emotional all of the time I’d buy it again someday.  Now, here were are, over two years later….and still no mascara.  You see…it’s difficult because there are triggers everywhere.  I miss my sweet baby every second still of every day and I never know when something inside me will hit hard enough to make the tears well up.  Maybe it’s when I see a little blonde girl who is her age or when a stranger asks if I have children.  You just never know what will ignite the emotions and pain that never ever go away.  Gracie would have been two and a half this month.  I can’t help thinking she would have already gotten into mommy’s makeup!  So…hopefully now you understand why I had to get rid of that mascara.  I really never even missed it, until last week…

Lately, I have been crazy for couponing.  After going to a class last July, I started to slowly become addicted to getting good deals and saving money.  Last week, low and behold I stumbled on a great deal on mascara.  Looking at those bright pink packages, I began an internal conflict.  First I stared at the mascara for a good five minutes, then I put two in my cart, and then I put them back.  I went on with my shopping around the store and had a short conversation with a couple of coupon friends who were also shopping.  They went on with their purchases and left the store.  I got in line and then at that moment I realized that although the moments of emotional turmoil still exist,  they are happening much less often.  I tried to think of the last time I had cried in public or in front of a stranger and I couldn’t recall an episode.  Right then and there I felt like I needed that mascara.  My cart turned around and made a beeline for the makeup wall.  When I got home Brien said “Oh cool, you can get good deals on make-up too?  That’s great, babe!”  I smiled and said, “Yeah, I needed some mascara.”  I needed it more than he knew. 

I’ve been thinking this week that it’s not about the mascara…it’s really about the enjoyment that I’ve gotten from this new hobby of couponing.  I can’t think of anything that I have really loved doing that much since Gracie left us.  Most days, it’s still a struggle just to get out of bed.  Luckily, I do enjoy my work so that helps.  But on the weekends, things are often more difficult because we can’t do things together as a family anymore and sometimes I really don’t feel like doing anything other than sitting on the couch, eating chips, and missing my girl.  Nowadays though, I get up very early on Saturday and Sunday to shop with my coupons and there is something extremely calming and serene about shopping in those early mornings hours.  No matter how late I’ve stayed up the night before I’m motivated to get up, be productive, and best of all have some fun.   Along the way, I’ve met some fabulous and generous people as well, and although they don’t know it… it is party because of them that I had the confidence to get that mascara.  So here’s to the next great deal….and the next aisle in the store we call life!

Forever Family

Forever: for a limitless time or at all times.  During this week of Gracie’s 2^nd birthday, I’ve been thinking a lot about this word.  I’ve seen it this week in several different places and can’t help thinking there is a reason why the word is on my mind.  Grace will forever live in our hearts, our minds, and our memories.  She will always be there, as long as we continue to keep her memory alive, she will always be a part of our forever family.

Although we are truly a family in spirit, the sad reality is that for over a year now, Brien and I have had to adjust back to just being a “couple” in many ways.  We still do many of the same things we did as a family, and we continually talk and remember how different these same things were when Grace was here.  We still walk the dog but now without a stroller.  We still wake up early, but now only feed the dog instead of feeding and snuggling with Gracie.  We still cook dinners and eat together most every night but dearly miss bathing and dressing Grace in her PJs.  The hole in our lives will be there…..forever.

For a while now we have been discussing how much we both miss being a family and caring for Gracie.  We still don’t have any results yet from the Manton Study yet, so we have to consider a 1 in 4 chance of having another child with EMEE if we decided to get pregnant again.  Not to mention we are not getting any younger…. The big 40 is right around the corner for me!  We just felt so helpless with Gracie’s condition, we really had no control over that awful disease and couldn’t bear seeing another child go through the same thing. 

So, last month we started discussing the idea of adoption.  For us, it may be a chance to help a child have a better life and also would give us that family again.  Brien was hesitant but gave me the green light to start researching the process, so I went forward full force.  I learned about all the different types of adoption and for us, we know that adoption from the foster system is really the best route to pursue.  I have been attending many orientations with various agencies around town, trying to determine which one would work best for us.  After attending a few orientations, I was really starting to think that there wasn’t much difference between them and wasn’t really impressed with any of the agencies. 

Then, this week, I happened upon Sierra Forever Families.  The leader at the orientation was very open and honest and presented us with some great information.  She talked a lot about programs for adoption of older, school aged children, and that just the type of child we feel would fit best with our family.  In addition, this organization really does a lot more than just adoption.  What struck me was all of the wonderful things they do to really help local children.  Their goal is to not only find children forever homes but also to help all children in the foster system in other ways a well such as volunteer and mentoring programs.  I can’t explain exactly why but I just really felt a connection with this agency.  Although I have a few more orientations to attend later this month, I can’t help thinking that maybe there was a reason I came upon Sierra Forever Families during Gracie’s birthday week.  Maybe it’s a sign that this is the right fit for us and adoption is the right thing to do. 

My friend, Alli and her husband just adopted twin school aged girls who are in this photo.  Their adoption was finalized at the end of June and yesterday we got a beautiful photo card in the mail from them announcing the adoption.  It was so awesome to see such a great success story.  It was a long rollercoaster ride for them, but in the end they ended up with the girls that were meant to be with them.  On the back of the card was a picture of all of them with the words “forever family.”  Although we are just researching the process right now, last night I couldn’t help thinking that maybe this was another sign and, perhaps, we were also meant to expand our forever family though adoption.