Monday, January 17, 2011

Gracie’s dresses

A 6-month dress that Gracie never got to wear.
Today I decided to dust in Gracie’s room. All of her things are still there, and we try and keep it as clean as possible. It’s still, and always will be her room. I started opening her drawers and then found myself carefully inspecting and folding all of her clothes. Considering she left this Earth at the tender age of three months, many, many of her dresses she never got to wear. So many wonderful people sent her the most beautiful clothes, and of course, mommy could never resist buying her, yet another cute dress. I loved to buy her clothes in bigger sizes and imagine what she would look like in them down the road. Today, I found myself looking at the dresses, and, once again, wondering what she would have looked like in them. She would have been wearing six-month clothes now. Although most of her milestones were markedly delayed, she was growing, thriving, and Brien and I were so pleased when her newborn dresses no longer fit.

I’m torn as to what to do with Gracie’s dresses. I don’t want to give them away, for selfish reasons I believe they belong to her. Sometimes I think maybe, someday, she will have a little sister who will wear those dresses. However, I also know that the sad reality is that there are many factors not working in our favor right now and future children may not be in the cards. This breaks my heart. I don’t think that Gracie can be replaced by any means, but I do think that a future child would, somehow, remind me of her and maybe give us part of her back. Maybe the child would have her bright blue eyes, her soft hair, or her quiet and knowing spirit. A new child, a new life, would bring new hope for us. From what I am reading and hearing from other mothers who have lost a child, this is a very common feeling.

Looking at Gracie’s pink dress reminded me of one of the days that I believe was one of the best for her. This was her spa day with our friends Sarah and Audrey. She absolutely loved the pampering that day as was evident in her pictures and her alertness that day couldn’t be denied. After her spa time, we dressed her up in that pink dress and, of course, took many pictures. She was truly excited and happy that day as we opened a ton of gifts we received from the Children’s Wish Foundation. I think she really felt our love that day, she was the center of attention, and I’d like to think she felt beautiful all dressed up! We all certainly thought she was quite adorable.

Since Gracie passed away, I have to admit, there haven’t been many days where I’ve felt like dressing up. My wardrobe of choice these days usually consists of sweats and t-shirts except for the standard work attire. However, recently, on Christmas Eve, Brien and I got dressed up and had dinner out along with a carriage ride in Old Sacramento. We started a tradition of opening one present on Christmas Eve, and my present just happened to be some sleek black dress boots! If you read Brien’s Christmas Story blog, you know that we got the greatest Christmas present that evening. I’d like to think that Gracie was happy to see her parents dressed up and content spending a quiet Christmas Eve together.

So, this week, take a day to dress up for Gracie. She hopes it will boost your attitude, increase your confidence, and bring you much happiness. Dressing for success can certainly make a difference in your life.

“Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important” ~Janet Lane

1 comment:

  1. I will do this tomorrow Holly!...and I do hope that someday a child is blessed enough to call you and Brien mom and dad! For a greater gift than you loving that child will be the gift of having you both as his/her parents! Love you my friend!