Buying Mascara

The week after Gracie went to heaven, I threw out all of my mascara.  I don’t really wear much make-up at all but mascara used to be a staple, a part of my morning routine.  I figured after I stopped being so emotional all of the time I’d buy it again someday.  Now, here were are, over two years later….and still no mascara.  You see…it’s difficult because there are triggers everywhere.  I miss my sweet baby every second still of every day and I never know when something inside me will hit hard enough to make the tears well up.  Maybe it’s when I see a little blonde girl who is her age or when a stranger asks if I have children.  You just never know what will ignite the emotions and pain that never ever go away.  Gracie would have been two and a half this month.  I can’t help thinking she would have already gotten into mommy’s makeup!  So…hopefully now you understand why I had to get rid of that mascara.  I really never even missed it, until last week…

Lately, I have been crazy for couponing.  After going to a class last July, I started to slowly become addicted to getting good deals and saving money.  Last week, low and behold I stumbled on a great deal on mascara.  Looking at those bright pink packages, I began an internal conflict.  First I stared at the mascara for a good five minutes, then I put two in my cart, and then I put them back.  I went on with my shopping around the store and had a short conversation with a couple of coupon friends who were also shopping.  They went on with their purchases and left the store.  I got in line and then at that moment I realized that although the moments of emotional turmoil still exist,  they are happening much less often.  I tried to think of the last time I had cried in public or in front of a stranger and I couldn’t recall an episode.  Right then and there I felt like I needed that mascara.  My cart turned around and made a beeline for the makeup wall.  When I got home Brien said “Oh cool, you can get good deals on make-up too?  That’s great, babe!”  I smiled and said, “Yeah, I needed some mascara.”  I needed it more than he knew. 

I’ve been thinking this week that it’s not about the mascara…it’s really about the enjoyment that I’ve gotten from this new hobby of couponing.  I can’t think of anything that I have really loved doing that much since Gracie left us.  Most days, it’s still a struggle just to get out of bed.  Luckily, I do enjoy my work so that helps.  But on the weekends, things are often more difficult because we can’t do things together as a family anymore and sometimes I really don’t feel like doing anything other than sitting on the couch, eating chips, and missing my girl.  Nowadays though, I get up very early on Saturday and Sunday to shop with my coupons and there is something extremely calming and serene about shopping in those early mornings hours.  No matter how late I’ve stayed up the night before I’m motivated to get up, be productive, and best of all have some fun.   Along the way, I’ve met some fabulous and generous people as well, and although they don’t know it… it is party because of them that I had the confidence to get that mascara.  So here’s to the next great deal….and the next aisle in the store we call life!