My Christmas Story

It’s quiet in the house right now. Not a creature is stirring, not even a mouse. Santa is presumably circling the globe delivering presents and joy. Holly’s in bed sleeping soundly and I’m sitting in Grace’s dimly lit room writing. I find such solace being in here. It’s a special place to go and reflect.

This will probably be the first Christmas Eve where I don’t go to bed with a sense of excitement and anticipation for the morning. No, this year it’s about heartache and reflection. They say the holidays are especially hard for families who have endured the loss of a loved one. Personally, I don’t think the holidays have anything to do with it, we’d still be feeling the same way. Oh how I miss her so much. No words can express how I feel. My heart continues to ache with no end in sight. I have never cried so much in my entire life then I have over these last few months.

Even though Grace isn’t with us this Christmas we have tried to surround ourselves with her memory. We’ve printed up lots of pictures of her for around the house. We’ve adorned our Christmas tree with special ornaments in memory of her. And of course Holly and I share stories about her and the special times we shared together. Then tonight another special sign she’s still with us in spirit.

Holly and I went to a nice restaurant for dinner and on the way home we decided to go to old Sac for a horse and carriage ride. It just seemed like the perfect ending to a lovely Christmas Eve. When we arrived there was a small line of families seeking a ride as well. Holly and I stood there quietly looking off into the distance while hearing the faint rhythmic sound of horseshoes hitting the asphalt. We then heard a little boy go up to a girl sitting on a bench behind us and say “Can I sit with you Gracie?” Holly and I immediately turned to each other thinking the same thing. I could see tears well up in Holly's eyes as I strived to hold mine back. We looked behind us and saw this cute little blond girl quietly sitting there. It was like an angel telling us she's still with us. I am so grateful for these reminders. Perhaps these signs is what will bring me peace one day.

We visited Grace today and brought her a little Christmas tree. We told her how much we miss her. How much she would have loved experiencing her first Christmas with us. We will continue to celebrate Christmas with our little angel by our side. Thank you for the signs and reminding us you’re never far away. We love you Gracie.

Have Courage

I took a break from the blog after my last post. I'm still tired but have been able to get out of bed a little easier each morning and back into some old routines. A couple weeks ago, I was cleaning my cell phone and when I reached to put it back in the case, I noticed a message was inscribed on the inside of the case. It said "have courage." I never realized the message was there despite taking it off usually on a weekly basis. It made me wonder about the many times in which I was not courageous and why this was so. What makes us lack courage? What are we frightened about? For me, often times it is the mere possibility of conflict that usually gets in the way.

Grace lived every day with every ounce of courage she had. Despite the constant seizures, insufficient breathing, oral challenges, and her overall severe developmental delays, she thrived during those short three months because she was not scared. Children are so courageous as they are not yet tainted by the toils and trauma that life brings to all of us. Despite being an innocent victim, Grace exhibited more courage than I ever have seen, just her will to live.

Because of her, we have been so fortunate to witness many acts of courage over these past weeks. Someone had the courage to leave us an anonymous gift of a Christmas Jar, which truly embodied the spirit of the season. Another person had the courage to email us supportive words as someone who had also lost a daughter to Grace's same rare condition. Her daughter passed away a few years ago so I can only imagine what types of emotions must have come flooding back to her when reading about Grace. Small acts of courage which made a such a huge impact on both Brien and myself.

So, for Grace, I am now going to start working on being more courageous in whatever small ways that I can handle. Being blessed with a career that I love and the wonderful interactions we have with so many families on a daily basis make each day worthwhile. Not to mention our wonderful, flexible, and supportive employees. I have to be more courageous in going the extra mile for all of our families and employees. I have to be more courageous in going the extra mile for myself and for my wonderful husband.

I'm starting by focusing on my health during this last month of the year. After many years of putting off some minor surgery, I am finally going to take care of the problem once and for all. The chapter needs to be closed and I need to have courage to close it. I am hopeful that having this courage will be the first step to a much better new year. Grace would have wanted it that way. She would have wanted you to have courage too for whatever life's challenges are brought to your new year. Please share with us and Grace your stories of courage.

Tired

Tired. There’s no other word to better describe the feelings of this past week. I’m tired of feeling blue. I’m tired of the rain. I’m tired of living in the fog. I’m tired of not being able to sleep. I’m tired of struggling to get up in the morning. I’m tired of asking why. There are no answers so we must choose. Either continue to be tired or rest and realize that tomorrow is a new day. I know that one day I will wake up and not be so tired.

Thus, I choose to realize those things I am not tired of and hope they will out number the things that I am. I never tire of looking at Grace’s pictures or videos. I never tire of sitting in her room and remembering many precious moments that were spent there. I never tire of remembering how much I loved changing her diaper or dressing her in a precious outfit for a new day. I never tire of seeing how, in her pictures, she was a perfect extension of us. I never tire of seeing her big blue eyes every time I look into my husband’s eyes. I never tire of hearing so many stories about how she has touched people in seemingly random ways.

So tonight I will go to sleep tired, hoping that tomorrow I will wake up just a little less tired than the day before. I know that I must continue through this process, finding a new me, and hopefully discovering some new gifts a long the way.